I was thinking of zombies today. How many people walk around like the living dead, just functioning through their lives. I did this for many years myself. It doesn’t mean that they don’t feel times of joy and happiness, I did, it just means they don’t have passion for life. They spend their days just existing through but not really living, every day is a series of things to accomplish but there’s not much joy in day to day existence. It’s hard to wake up from this, hard to come back to life after you have died. It took having cancer and going through a brutal divorce to bring me to life again. I was passionate about being a mother and found joy, love and contentment being a mother, but I watched myself just slip away and learned to just exist through life . When my time of fire finally woke me up, I looked around and thought what happened to thirty years of my life!
Most people become one of the living dead because of pain and trauma, so they “die” because it is easier then continuing to feel that pain. What they don’t see is they haven’t escaped it at all, just diffused the pain out into their lives so it slowly seeps out until it overtakes them, without them realizing it. Slowly but surely they become immersed in sadness and pain; joy and passion are almost impossible to call up. Pain, sadness anger, loss, resentment can become the only things that give the allusion of feeling alive. If these feelings are not dealt with they can cause harm in self destructive behavior and/or health issues. For me, I think my cancer came from all the pain and sadness inside me, all the things I kept burying in the deepest recesses of myself. Not everyone who has cancer got it this way of course, but I truly think this was a factor in mine, combined with stress and other biological factors. I held all that pain, hurt and anger in refused to deal with it and let it out; it had to go somewhere so it went into my body and created stress and cancer. I had to deal with all that pain, hurt and sadness, call it up to make it and the cancer go away. Once I did that I could finally come back to life.
It was a brutal, painful process, I had to let go of my sadness, betrayal, pain, anger, loss and especially fear. All these things are hard to let go of, when we let go of them we have nothing to cling to. Sometimes we even cling to these feelings as penance for our mistakes and sin, self-punishment. Letting go of the loss of a loved one is even harder, I think we sometimes feel that if we let go of the pain, and sadness then we are letting go of our connection to them, when in reality our connection is through our memories and through our love. There can also be unresolved issues of anger that we refuse to deal with toward ourselves and/or them. I had to deal with that as well. Then I had to be hard on myself and force myself to deal with my issues and fix my life. I also had a lot of forgiving to do not only forgiving those who had hurt me but in a much deeper sense learning to forgive myself. Through forgiveness I was able to finally learn to love and accept myself.
Leaving the darkness of death and stepping back into the light was terrifying and blinding at first but now it’s amazing to be alive again and living in the light is magnificent.
I see many people who are zombies, one of the living dead and I wonder what it will take to make them come to life again or if they ever will.